Marriage is a difficult thing?

According to many people, marriage is a difficult thing! Yes, marriage is tough .

the reality

is, everyone loves the fairytale where the prince carries off the woman on his white horse and marries her, but the diligence of learning how to be each other’s lifemate and growing together through the years even when every ounce of energy one has is sapped, well, that’s not as appealing a tale to tell.

Going to the altar, you’ve got to be clear and disabuse yourself of any illusion. you’re keen on this man/woman enough that you cannot imagine a life without her. But you’ve got to balance that with “there will be days, weeks, and months where I can’t stand this man/woman.” you’ll be at each other’s throats. you’ll find some things you loved at your wedding about the person evaporating because people do not stay static throughout their lives. They grow, they modify , they evolve. She goes to grow old. he’s going to lose his hair. The daily grind are often a powerful force that could grind down even the most committed couples. Children are a blessing, but they also demand ENORMOUS amounts of energy, money, and large changes in your relationship with your spouse that can even distance you slowly from that spouse.

But you’ve got to ask yourself this: “If I don’t ask her/him to be mine, NOW, will I regret it for the remainder of my life?” You also have to ask yourself if you are totally willing to be this person’s emotional rock for the rest of your life and take on his or her needs, sometimes putting your own dead last. Are you crazy with the fairytale of being in love, or are you able to honestly say you willingly are the caretaker of this person’s soul forever? Can you stand by him or her even when he or she is at his/her worst, even when that hurricane is directed at you? are you able to handle that responsibility for the next 60 years?

Once married, you’ve got to take up the daily struggle of making that marriage work. it’s NEVER a walk in the park. NEVER. you’ve got to figure out what works best for the two of you in terms of finding your mojo, if that creates any sense; you have to figure out what roles and routines work best and keep you both happy. you’ve got to remember that physical intimacy has to be part of the package, and balance all other areas of your life so it doesn’t fade permanently . you’ve got to remind yourself constantly that your spouse is not Superman. He or she is doggedly human. He or she is capable of being horrible or dumb as a post. you’ve got to remind yourself constantly that hiding your real feelings and pretending everything is fine when there is conflict is a hideous and toxic path to take with a spouse. You can’t just specialise in the good things, the romantic gestures, the sex if it’s good. you’ve got to expose the nasty stuff to sunlight and talk to each other even when the conversation is unpleasant. you want to work it out between the two of you without screaming at each other or accuse each other of mortal flaws that are indivisible with their nature, undermine their self-worth . You can’t escape with saying the meanest thing you can think of that will cut the deepest, because if you go too far, you’ll never be able to take it back. Such creates distrust and scars that are difficult to heal.

People who don’t stay married are usually ones that had unrealistic expectations going in or worse made the stupid mistake of thinking looking for comfort outside the marriage would solve their emotional needs The latter forgets that it won’t solve the problem inside the marriage and total lack of communication of frustration and unhappiness can leave their spouse blindsided and broken; ultimately whatever emotional need that needs to be filled won’t be if the mistress or lover is just a quick fix. that’s just using another person. (Like I said, you’ve got to unearth the ugly and hold little back; you must never run from it.) Others just don’t want to know that the marriage vows mean what they mean: to be there even when things have gone to shit.